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I have felt lost for as long as I can remember.
In high school I’m supposed to start figuring out what I want to do with my life. My career passions come in waves, and last as long as the latest fashion trend. First is marine biology. I create a project on my future, Ivy – Marine Biologist. My mom helps me and I like dolphins so I think, “Yeah this fits.”
Then that passion fades, and I drift into nursing. I’m pretty nice and like caring for people, so I try it on for a while. Eventually I realize blood is very heavily involved, and I’m not so cool with that, so I switch gears into teaching. Then I dabble with the thought of being a lawyer, blame Law & Order SVU for that one. I purchase some LSAT flashcards, which to this day still have the plastic wrap on them, so you can guess how long that lasted. I enter college with zero idea, but that’s okay, so I’m told. Take a bunch of classes, you’ll figure it out.
I go from Temple University, to community college, to University of Maryland. The longer I take to figure this out the more I feel like a failure. At Maryland, my third year of college, I land on environmental science major, don’t ask why. I struggled daily with getting through my various classes for a degree I didn’t even want to pursue a career in once I graduated.
“Just get the degree,” I’m told, “Lots of people don’t end up in a job even related to their degree.” I’m struggling to barely pass all of my classes for something that doesn’t truly matter, good to know. I realize I am lucky to have gotten this degree at all, and I’m grateful for the opportunity, I just thought I’d come out the other side of college with a feeling of purpose, and the answers I’ve been craving.
Post grad life is no less confusing. I still have zero idea what I want to do with my life, and that feeling of failure is something I wear daily. I start writing, but it feels so unrealistic I have a hard time pursuing it. Someone tells me to go and get a law degree while I figure it out, but the only thing that college taught me was that more school was not my answer.
People ask me what I do for work. I tell them I nanny. It’s a hit to my pride each time I say it out loud. I love it, but I know it’s not what I’ll be doing forever, and I know whoever asks knows that too. It’s not my career. Usually it’s answered with “Oh that’s cool” and a change of subject or sometimes, “What will you do after that?” or “You should be a teacher since you love working with kids” or “What ever happened with that book?”
Seems like everyone around me is in a job that matters. Somewhere on their climb up the career ladder, yet I’m still at the bottom unsure which ladder is mine. No job feels like the right fit. Why did I go to school for so long yet never be taught how to figure this out? What is it supposed to feel like when you find your career? Is it love at first sight? Does it take time to grow on you? Where are my answers? I wait for them every day.
It’s been more of the same, waiting and waiting. My life feels like it’s been defined by figuring out these answers, waiting for the clarity that would finally come by finding them. Feeling lost without them. Fantasizing what it must feel like to have them. It will come soon, I think. It must. I’m 27, which I’m often reminded is almost 30, so they must be right around the corner.
“Next year will be different, I’ll have them all then,” I tell myself for the millionth time.
Now, as much as I’d like to tie this rambly mess of a post up in a neat little bow, I don’t think I can. To be honest, I don’t even know if I’m going to post this, I’m not sure there’s a real point. But, in case I do decide to hit publish, I want to say a few things I’ve realized in the last couple months.
How I felt about not having these answers defined me way more than actually not having them did. I chose every day to feel like a failure over not having them, whether I meant to choose it or not, but that doesn’t actually mean I am a failure. No one else truly cares about this, only I do, and only I am defining myself this way.
What does that mean? It means that I also can choose to NOT feel that way, and to NOT define myself that way. Do I have a clue how to do that? Well, no. It’s been my state of mind for as long as I can remember, and it will take a long time to retrain my brain. I don’t really know how to believe in myself, so that’s something I’ll have to learn.
It’s okay to not have answers, because I don’t even think these answers I’ve been searching for even exist. I don’t think I’ll ever have some magical moment of clarity where the yellow brick road is laid out in front of me and I have it all figured out. I think it’s a day by day thing. It’s decisions I make from when I wake up to when I go to bed.
This blog is a decision I made, and although that dark cloud of failure and lack of belief in myself makes me want to give it up most days, I haven’t. I decided to start this because one thing that I’ve always loved and felt good at was giving advice. From relationships, to makeup, and everything between, it’s something that brings me joy. I don’t know if this will go anywhere. I don’t know if it’s the right ladder to climb. But I don’t think I need to know that. I think I can wake up and choose this each day, and see where it goes.
I think for anyone else feeling lost and waiting for their answers, I want to say this: stop waiting. You’re probably going to be waiting forever for something that might not ever come.
If you don’t know where to start, take it moment by moment. It doesn’t need to be this big life decision. It can be choosing to do something that makes you happy. And then continuing to make those choices, you never know where it is going to lead. And choosing to be okay with not having the answers, and not letting that define you.
I know you need a job to pay the bills, and maybe you don’t love the one you have right now, or you don’t have one yet and you don’t know where to look. What would happen if you let go of all the judgement you think you’re getting, or the feeling of being a failure because you haven’t figured out your career? What if you just trusted your gut instead? What would it tell you?
I’ve spent a lot of time waiting. And in all that waiting the only thing that’s happened is me missing out on being present on my life. I’ve overlooked what my intuition was telling me because I feared doing something outside the “norm” of careers would garner judgement of others. In reality – they don’t care, it shouldn’t matter even if they did. And, even if other people thought that way about me, I need to let that go. Living my life based on what others think leaves no room to make the right decisions for myself.
I want to end this post with answers for you and for me, but I can’t. I especially can’t if they don’t exist. If I ever happen to find them, I’ll let you know. For now, I’m going to try and stop looking and instead spend my time doing things that make me happy. I’m going to stop worrying so much about what other’s think of me because if these choices, like blogging and nannying, make me happy, that’s all that matters. I think the best you can do is to focus on what makes you happy for a while, and see what happens when you let that guide you.
I’m glad that you published this even though you were unsure about it! I definitely feel lost most of the time as well. I guess that we tend to look at people and assume that they have it all together but maybe the truth is that we’re all a little lost.
Thank you for reading, and the kind words! I definitely think that is true, always seems like everyone has it together except us. But everyone has something they are figuring out!
Great post, at the end of the day you have to try out different things until you find your passion. There is no harm in trying out different career paths, otherwise if you don’t try it out you’ll live with regrets.
Yeah, I totally agree. Especially in your twenties, but even as you get older, it’s okay to change things up and try different paths!
Ivy this was really reassuring to know that I’m not the only one feeling so low and in a similar sense a bit lost. I just wanted to say, I have seen the other side :’) , if you will, haha. Knowing something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time and am in the process of perusing I’m having a really hard time because a large portion of it has turned out to be completely different to how I imagined it. A long time down the line and I feel I’m really suffering with very constant low feelings because of it and now it has made me lose myself and it’s manifested into one of the most painful things in my life. I know this is what you are working on but my goodness, if you enjoy being a nanny or if you find a job you enjoy that might not have a career path persay my goodness do not feel bad in any way! There is absolutely nothing to feel bad about; it’s a trick! Happiness is the absolute answer and if you are happy that is the job for you! It’s not about pressuring yourself to find “that” job and it’s certainly not about picking something with a good career path. It’s something you feel happy to do that doesn’t take you away and gives you time to do the things that make you happy, whether that be time with family, walking or on the blog. I believe in you Ivy and I want you to know that if you do exactly as you said and follow what makes your heart happy (which is not just the job, it’s a job that allows you to be happy) then all the questions will fade away and I’m pretty sure, all will be okay.
Take care lovely,
Ellie Xx
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Ellie Jones recently posted…Where I’ve Been | Honestly, I’ve Not Been Too Good
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. Such a wonderful and true reminder, happiness is the key here, and following that will never lead you wrong. Sending you so much love as we go through this tough period in our lives <3
:’) You’re forever welcome Ivy. Thank you with all my heart and when the going gets tough I’ll be thinking of you lovely! Sending you so much love back too and thinking of you also. Xxx
Ellie Jones recently posted…Stranger Things Halloween | Nancy Wheeler Outfit Ideas