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Scott and I are just over 3 months away from getting married….cue the freakout of how much is left to do. One thing we CAN check off our list is the premarital counseling we participated in with our Cantor.
I was really glad it was a part of the wedding planning process, since of course you want to plan for a strong marriage! That’s really important to both of us, so we were ready to bring honesty and vulnerability to the table during those conversations.
To begin, we each filled out a questionnaire separately on lots of different components that make up a marriage like finances, parenting, roles, expectations, etc. Our results were sent over to our Cantor, and she walked us through them, sharing anything that stood out to her or warranted a conversation, positive or negative. (although she never phrased it as negative, but rather something for us to work on.)
One big takeaway is how much living and working together in a small space during a global pandemic is a lot to deal with. No real shocker there. But something to note! It’s almost this odd blessing in disguise because it feels like going through this past year highlighted anything we might want to work on as a couple. Brought them right to the surface since we’re with each other 24/7! And I’m thankful to have that awareness.
To be totally honest, I was pretty nervous before the first session. I wasn’t really sure what it would look like or what questions we would be asked. Obviously diving into issues and struggles you experience as a couple is a bit nerve wracking! It’s not easy to be so honest. Especially in a social media filled world where picture perfect #relationshipgoals couples are everywhere.
However, the conversations all went really well! Any areas we needed to work on weren’t really shocking to us, but I think it was helpful to have a clearer picture of where focusing our energy might be helpful. These sessions were intended to be conversation starters, and they absolutely were.
Is this too honest? Oh well. Through our many conversations, both in the sessions and out of them, it’s become clear that the main area we need to work on strengthening is communication. (I know we aren’t the first couple to have this as an area to work on!)
While I believe strongly in keeping certain things private in a relationship, sometimes it feels like relationship strengths and weaknesses are kept too hush hush. That can really lead down this path of comparisons to other’s who look perfect from the outside! But all relationships and marriages have their challenges, and that’s normal and okay.
Communication isn’t currently a strength. That’s been laid out on the table, and we’re actively working on that to get it to a better place!
I think since having this counseling, we’re both more aware of our actions, what we say, and the reaction the other person has. We’ve had some really great discussions since then, and even subconsciously it seems like we’re both taking that extra second to pause and think of the other person during moments we might not have previously. It’s absolutely a work in progress, and we’re still figuring things out for sure, but I can see how we’re both taking steps in the direction of starting our marriage off as strong as we possibly can!
Another important takeaway is that we have a pretty solid relationship! I guess this one wasn’t really new information either, but it felt really good to go over different areas and components that can make up a marriage and feel like we’re at a good spot with them.
We’re on the same page about a lot of big things, and over the years have had many conversations around kids, finances, what we envision for our lives, and more. We’re lucky to have had all these good talks, and to be heading into our marriage not only feeling in agreement on so much, but also feeling like we are able to talk about other hard things if/when they come up.
I think over the past year the negatives have felt a bit more noticeable to me than the positives because of rona and our apartment feeling SO small. No space. We’re both introverts, and personally I thrive off alone time (only child here!) I’ve had none of it for over a year, so I don’t feel like my most balanced self. Essentially what I’m trying to say is that the negatives have felt more in my face at times. They’re all small little things here and there, nothing major! But they’ve felt bigger than they actually are sometimes because there’s no break from them, or real space to process them. It’s nice to realize how small those negatives actually are.
I’m really thankful to have had these sessions to bring the attention back to the positives. It can be easy to get caught up in the negatives, so I’m glad to have highlighted our positives as we’re about to get married. Doing my best to focus on those more often!
I’m feeling nothing but gratitude for this awareness around our strengths and weaknesses as we head into this (huge) next chapter together. I feel like we are stronger than ever, and equipped to handle whatever comes our way!
(hopefully it’s not another pandemic though.)
T-minus 102 days!
